I want to know what my life holds.
I want to know how much longer I have to go.
How long until things start changing?
How long until the page I’m writing on flips and a new day begins?
How much longer will the next day be a mystery?
How much longer until God shows me what & who is for me?

I shouldn’t question him…I take it back.
I shouldn’t ponder my existence every evening when the sun goes down and the sky turns blue-black.
I can’t fathom how He still loves me with all of my imperfection.
With my abundance of wasted talent and my inability to let Him all the way in.

Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I’ll see.
Maybe one day I’ll become what His word says I can be.
While my struggles are real, and my heart is sometimes heavy.
While I pour out my feelings with a pad and pen, trying to release my frustrations, knowing that I can’t continue to hold them all in.

Can’t sleep every night because my mind is racing.
Short of breathe all the time because I’m constantly pacing.

I need divine intervention.
I need some true comprehension.
I need to talk to someone who truly gets the depth of my tension.

Because,
On the surface you can’t feel me.
On the surface you can’t reach me.
Until you dig a little deeper, all you’ll know is the surreal me.